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TEARS OF A WOMAN 1 Chapter One

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Susan stared sadly into her mother's mirror and shook her head as tears streamed down her face, she mumbled "If I had known that yesterday would be the last time I would ever see Dave in school, I would have summoned the courage to approach him and plant a rose flower in the garden of his heart. If he feels the same thing for me, he would treasure it; tend it, until he comes back."

Dave was a great friend Susan admired so much for such a long time during their high school years. Being naive, they were anticipating who would be the first to make a move. And that was when boys were turning into men and girls turning into women. Susan thought that as he was the man it would prompt Dave to be the one to make the first move, while she would sit there like a queen waiting for the king to take her home.

Susan prayed Dave would summon the courage to boldly come to her and ask her to be his girlfriend, but she waited in vain, and that was when she learned how to separate boys from men. She then realized that what made a man is not his male organ, but his ability and capacity to face his challenges. On many occasions, she had seen men chasing girls, and she thought Dave would be the one to chase her, but she was wrong. As the day welcomed the sun to celebrate its light, and the night waited to welcome the moon to celebrate its radiance alongside the stars, so too, was Susan waited to celebrate the presence of Dave in her life—but her hopes were enveloped in darkness.

Sometimes, life offers one what he needs at the wrong time, at that early stage when one does not need it so much or one does not know its value. Could it be that Susan lost it all when she was too young to love? Or that she was not lucky enough to experience a lasting joy?

Wiping away her tears, Susan said, "Opportunity comes but once, they said. If one has the opportunity to be loved, or to have her wishes, or to do something, she should do it while the person still can. The night is coming, when one may not have the privilege to do it again. If I were bold enough to walk up to Dave and disclose what I felt for him, who knows, I would be singing a different and new song instead of lamentations?"

Susan unconsciously slammed her water glass down on the table so hard, the mirror rattled, and she whispered, "Nothing could be as painful as that missed opportunity." she had spent almost all day blaming herself for not opening up to Dave, her high school crush. Given their youth, a relationship should not have been her priority, but her future. What if she were to start the relationship so early? Her future could be cut short.

The reason why she blamed herself for the past was because she was unable to replace the previous sad events with the beautiful thought of the present. Life is like a coin that has two sides. When one is on one side, he may not know what is happening on the other side. When one is on the other side, he might be wishing to be on the other one, thinking that life may be rosy there, but one cannot predict what would happen if he had been there.

Looking thoughtful, Susan quipped, "If there is someone you are dying for, try to make your feelings known to them. If they return your love, you would be happy for the rest of your life; but if they do not reciprocate the love, don't give up, and your mind would not blame you for not having taken that step." Her mother, Lois, who stood by the corner, looked around to see who Susan was talking to, but when Lois saw no-one she shouted, "Susan!" Susan startled, and asked, "Mama, how long have you been here? You scared me." "I have been here since you started mumbling. "What's bothering you, my daughter?" Lois replied.

Susan did not look at her mother so that Lois would not suspect she was crying. Susan wiped away her tears and started singing to distract Lois' attention. Lois went closer to her and placed Susan's head on her shoulder, and whispered to her ear, "I'm your mother, talk to me. It hurts a mother to see her daughter in pain." Susan adjusted her long gown to enable her mother to relax. "Mama, I will be fine. It's just that I'm not happy. "You are not happy? What happened?" Lois asked. There was a rattling noise in the pantry and Lois rushed to check what it was; Susan used to opportunity to leave the scene.

If Suzan had known things would not be like she imagined, she would have summoned the courage to approach Dave. But before she knew it, she stopped seeing him in school. She waited for days, hoping to see him—until she was told he was gone away, to study abroad. Susan could not say they have lost contact, because they never communicated when Dave was around; they only communicated with their eyes.

At that time, she had no choice but to move on with life, but the fact that the lizard nods its head all the time does not mean things are well; that Susan moved on with life did not mean all was well; it was the only option left. One of her greatest fears for not having approached Dave was his background. Dave came from a wealthy family, whereas Suzan came from a humble family.

Susan was afraid of what Dave's parents would do if they noticed their son was dating a girl from a poor family. Often, on her bed, Susan would fantasize about being his girl, but the challenges she faced at that time did not allow her to make her feelings known to Dave. She knew that in the time between relationship and marriage lies a great task, involving questions and responsibilities. Susan knew things would probably not be that easy for them because they were not of the same social standing, but if she could get things right, she would be happy to marry the man of her dreams, and she was pretty sure Dave would be happy to marry the most beautiful girl in class― Susan had the beauty that attracted men's attention.

She wanted her beauty to speak for her, but she discovered that Dave was the shy type. Each time they were together, she'd want him to read the unsaid words in her silent heart, but Dave could not look at her eyes for any length of time. Susan knew within herself that they loved each other; the feelings were there because it showed in Dave's actions, but he was not bold enough to tell her. The signs were written on his face.

The day she heard his father had sent him abroad to complete his education was when Susan realized she had lost him forever. Susan wept uncontrollably, "I should have read the signs; I should have seen it coming. I should have made the first move. I should have hoped for the best but expected the worst…" Susan sighed sorrowfully and wiped away her tears. She should have made her feelings known to Dave; If he accepted, it meant he was thinking the same thing she had in mind and she will be his girl forever.

Dave was not only a tall and handsome gent but intelligent, he was also a good Christian, with godly character. One could easily distinguish Dave's voice from others. It's not because Dave could sing loudly, but because he had an angelic voice, making you feel heaven itself. Susan did not forget the dimples on Dave's cheek, especially when he smiled: she was sure every woman could instantly fall in love with that same smile.

Those qualities made Dave every woman's dream. But Susan could not believe she'd lost him. The feelings were always there, but she was living miles away from him. She tried to deny the truth that she couldn't live without Dave for he was always on her mind. She was the one living miles away from reality. While Susan was thinking of the possibilities of seeing Dave again, her mind was telling her the probabilities, and that was when she realized how it hurts to lose the one she loved, the one she did not reveal her love to.
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Seasons come, seasons go, and life remained the same, until one beautiful morning in the first month of summer. Susan's room was directly facing the garden, and her house was located on the hillside of the town near their church. The amazing thing about that glorious morning was the different sounds from the different birds that woke her up from her sleep. She looked through her window and saw the sun rising from the beautiful blue sky. She got down on her knees to sing the many songs she knew best, before saying her prayers.

She tried to do the house chores as fast as she could before going to the garden. She watched the butterfly caressing the flowers. It was a wonderful scene that caught her fancy, as she almost forgot what drew her to the garden, what woke her up from sleep; these wonders of nature and the whistling of the different birds were a captivating distraction.

She was carried away by what she saw; At one point she started imagining how she would feel the day she would have her first kiss in life. Her mother Lois had told her the importance of keeping her virginity until her wedding night, but on the other hand she had heard many people saying that virginity is lack of opportunity, rather than dignity. Susan tried removing her mind from the scene, but she couldn't.

At the sight of seeing the butterfly caressing the flowers, the thought of falling in love kept ringing in her mind. Every morning she would go to the garden to see how the flowers displayed their beauty to attract butterflies; Susan had to learn from them to know how to display the virtue that would attract the man of her dreams.

It was a beautiful Saturday evening; Susan was looking out from her window when she heard the choir rehearsing. It was so melodious; she listened so intently that she heard a particular voice! That voice could sweep a lady's feet away if she was the romantic type. Susan couldn't control herself, and she could not wait until the next day when they would sing it in the service.

She wanted to run to church, but as she was about to step out, Lois asked her to help with the laundry; Susan had no choice than to wait till Sunday morning when they would sing the song again. If she wanted to sit in the first row on Sunday, she'd have to wake up on time and go to the service early.

There in the church, she couldn't believe her eyes when a handsome young man was singing a solo. It was Dave, the boy she had a crush on, but she had managed to hide her feelings from him—until she lost him. Immediately, she remembered everything that happened in the past. The memories from high school kept replaying in her mind. But she wasn't sure if Dave remained the same or if he had changed due to age and a change in environment.

She remembered how Dave used to be very intelligent in school, gentle, and whom all the girls in class liked so much, the facial point of all eyes but she wanted something different from him.

Seeing him again that fateful day was one of the greatest miracles she had ever come across. Susan wasn't listening to the song anymore, but she was reciting how she would approach Dave after the service. "I don't have to pretend about my feelings anymore. If I miss it this time, it's certain I will miss the opportunity forever." She mumbled. Suzan was thinking over all these things when the service ended. She quickly positioned herself very well, just like a hunter would position himself to shoot with the last bullet in his gun.

As Susan was trying to get close to Dave, she saw a pretty lady rushing to hug him; Susan's eyes widened, "That could be one of his admirers wanting to express her gratitude for his awesome vocals." She thought in her mind, but she was surprised at how Dave held the lady as they were walking away. Susan's mind was far away from the thought that the lady could be his wife, until she got closer to them. Surprised to see Suzan, Dave introduced her wife to her. And that was when she knew she had definitely lost him forever. "Wow, she's pretty. Congratulations." Susan complimented.

Suzan tried to hide her tears, but deep inside she knew she had lost the moon in the midst of the stars and that was when she decided to separate fantasy from the unattainable reality. All the while Susan was reciting what she would say to him, she never knew she was living in the shadow of reality. She went home, broken.

On her way home, she started mumbling, "I'm an imperfect human being looking for the one who would make me perfect, an incomplete human being looking for the one who would make me a complete woman. As a half-human-being looking for my other half, I have imaginatively gone around the world trying to find it…" She looked at her fingers and said, "… I have gaps in between my fingers, looking for the one who would fill them. I have gone to imaginary places trying to find the one who would be the perfect match to fill these gaps; I'm an empty woman looking for the one who would fill the void. But the more I search, the less I see; the less I see, the emptier I become…"

She sighed painfully as tears rolled down her cheek; she delved in her handbag for a handkerchief. After wiping away her tears, she stood motionless not minding she was on the road. "My heart is ready to love, but no one to love me. My arms are ready to hug, but no one to hug. My lips are ready to kiss, but no one to kiss. My voice is ready to sing, but no one to sing for…'

Susan glanced around to see if somebody was watching. She continued talking to herself, "during the day, I feel so sad; at night I feel so lonely. During the summer, I wrestle with the heat alone; in the winter, I struggle with the cold. In the fall, I walk alone under the rain."

Whenever Susan visited her garden and saw a beautiful rose, it hurt her that she had no one to give it to if she brought it home.

Her heart was hurting, and each time she heard others tell their love story she would stay in the moonlight, for she had none to tell. She walked alone, wishing that somebody would hold her hand and walk with her. Days seemed too long, and nights took so long to find dawn. Her soul was longing for sweet words, but there was no one to whisper such lovely words into her itching ears. Who would understand those unsaid words in her silent, hurting heart?

Susan lamented, "When the power of music fails and its sound fades, what keeps us going are the lyrics of the song. When the power of the sun lessens, and its heat vanishes, what keeps us going in the dark is the strength and the brightness of the moon. But, when the words of our mouth fail and the heart still has a lot to say, the eyes become its voice.

The language of the eyes is a sign, and the eyes are the mirror of the heart and the voice of the mind. Whatever truth you want to know about one's heart, though it may seem heavy in their mouth, ask the eyes, for they will show you everything you need to know about the heart. The mouth might lie, but the eyes don't lie.

One's mouth may not be bold enough to tell you how much they love you, how they are feeling for you in their heart, how they long to be with you, how much they miss you, and how they wanted you to be theirs, but when you look into their eyes, they will tell you all the unsaid words in that silent heart.

A lot of people have been trying to voice all these unsaid words in their heart, but it seems they are not bold enough to say it. Some of them may not want to say it out loud; they would rather whisper the words to you, or better, send the message across to you through the eyes so that they would not have to be the echo of another person's voice.

Someone may not be talking to you out loud; he may be silent whenever he is with you, but his eyes are never silent like the mouth. Even when it seems he is silent, his eyes keep talking, but it's just that you don't understand the sign. The eyes don't whisper, but they express the feelings in the heart through hints and indications."

When friends are together, they can look deep into their eyes to receive the message the mouth was afraid to say. They can try to read the signs in their eyes to figure out what the other is thinking. To understand the heart, they can look at the eyes, but to understand the tears of a woman, the friend must listen to her story.
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